Masks

Alienation begins when culture divides me against myself, puts a mask on me, gives me a role I may or may not want to play. Alienation is complete when I become completely identified with my mask, totally satisfied with my role, and convince myself that any other identity or role is inconceivable...

The man who sweats under his mask, whose role makes him itch with discomfort, who hates the division in himself, is already beginning to be free.

The Literary Essays of Thomas Merton: 381

I think alcoholics are especially able to appreciate Merton's comments.  While active we live under the mask of sobriety ("Hey, I just had one glass of wine.  I'm fine.") and recovery begins with the removal of that mask.  Full recovery, of course, doesn't stop there.  We have to live in the truth, however hard that may be and however far out of sync with the society around us that puts us.

Saw this on the web today

People were created to be loved.
Things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in chaos is because
things are being loved and people are being used.

Been a long time

It's been a ridiculously long time since I posted to this blog.  It makes me think of something Frederick Brooks said in The Mythical Man Month, a classic work on software development:  "How does a project get to be a year late?  One day at a time."

I always think of the 'one day' slogan as applying to progress.  Well, I have to remind myself that it applies to degeneration as well.

So, here I am, still sober and resolved to get back here.  Posting to this blog forces me to think of my values and that's about as important as it gets.

Land Mines

When I was drinking, every time I got close to something I really wanted I would put land mines in my own path.  I do that a lot less now, but more importantly the program gives me tools to detect and disarm those mines.

Now I just have to learn to use those tools more often.

The present moment.

I just ran across a quote from Philo of Alexandria  ancient Jewish Philosopher.

"Today means boundless and inexhaustible eternity.  Months and years and all periods of time are concepts of men, who gauge everything by number;  but the the true name of eternity is Today."

I constantly search for peace and eternity somewhere else, managing always to forget that they are here now.

Our minds are like crows.

"Our minds are like crows.  They pick up everything that glitters, no matter how uncomfortable our nests get with all that metal in them." --Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation, 104

Mine certainly is.  I've recently found myself mentally chattering a great deal more than usual.  I know what I'm supposed to be focusing on but I keep hopping from shiny thing to shiny thing all the while chattering and screeching away like a monkey on crystal meth.  It's downright unpleasant.

Gee, could it be related to the fact that I've been cutting back on my daily mediation?  As I've said before in this blog, meetings are tremendously helpful, but I need the 11th step.  Right now I'm paying the consequences for neglecting it.

Smiles

This morning I rode the subway in to my regular 7:30 AM meeting.  The crowd on the subway was, as usual, quiet and seemed somewhere between resigned and stoic about the fact that they were heading in to work.  I walked from the subway in to my regular 7:30 AM meeting and was struck by how pretty much everyone was smiling and/or chatting.  The atmosphere was light and joyful.  I was blown away by the contrast with the mood on the subway and more than a little disturbed about the fact that I don't notice this every day.

Then I went in to my work, a rats maze of cubicles surrounded by small offices.  Again, the difference was striking.  Here you could probably find most flavors of unhappiness and smiles were scarce.  Unfortunately, this is something I do notice most days.

Why do I so easily see the darkness and take the light for granted?  It's something I need to do some thinking about.  I also need to think about just how effective a smile can be and I need to do more of that at work.  At the very least I should have some fun making people wonder what's wrong with me.

Let's stay scared

One of the meetings I attend just emailed members an article about the coroner's report on Amy Winehouse.  It is a very unpleasant reminder that we must work our program and continue to grow spiritually.  We either grow or face very unpleasant consequences.

Coroner: Amy Winheouse drank herself to death


LONDON —Soul diva Amy Winehouse died with empty vodka bottles in her room and lethal amounts of alcohol in her blood — more than five times the British drunk driving limit, a British coroner ruled today.
Coroner Suzanne Greenaway gave a verdict of "death by misadventure," saying the singer died of accidental alcohol poisoning when she resumed drinking after weeks of abstinence.
"The unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels (of alcohol) was her sudden and unexpected death," Greenaway said.
The singer, who had fought a very public battle with drug and alcohol problems for years, was found dead in bed at her London home on July 23 at age 27. An initial autopsy proved inconclusive, although it found no traces of illegal drugs in her system or signs of injury.
Pathologist Suhail Baithun told the inquest into the singer’s death that blood and urine samples indicated that Winehouse had consumed a "very large quantity of alcohol" prior to her death. The level of alcohol in her blood was 416 milligrams per 100 milliliters, he said — a blood alcohol level of 0.4 percent.
The British and U.S. legal drunk-driving limit is 0.08 percent.
Such levels of alcohol intake could have stopped her breathing and sent her into a coma, Baithun added.
Police Detective Inspector Les Newman, who was called after a security guard found Winehouse, said three empty vodka bottles — two large and one small — were found in her bedroom.
Winehouse’s doctor, Dr. Christina Romete, said the singer had resumed drinking in the days before her death. Prior to that, Winehouse had stayed away from drink for most of July, she said, although she had been swerving between abstinence and heavy alcohol use for a long time.

Live humbly, love recklessly

Live humbly, love recklessly

I saw this slogan on a subway poster this morning.  Checking the url on the poster it turns out its for a church, which doesn't particularly thrill me, but the slogan is definitely a keeper.

Glad Gethsemane - how soon I forget

This morning a friend asked me about my understanding of Fr. Ed Dowling's concept of Glad Gesthmane. To put it briefly, this is viewing painful events as opportunities to give to others.  Everything we do sends out ripples, either positive or negative.  I think Mircea Eliade said that when we speak we either bless or curse.  (Boy, is that one I remember far too seldom!)  

My favorite examples of Glad Gesthemane come from extreme situations.  People like Dietrich Bonhoeffer spent their time in German concentration camps helping and supporting other prisoners.  An AA I knew too briefly came to our meeting in his last weeks, saying his only wish was to die sober.  He gave us the tremendous gift of his courage.

The concept, however, applies to the small, everyday things that bother and irritate us. These are the spiritually dangerous times.  As a friend likes to say, it's not the elephants that kill us, it's the mosquitoes.  I find daily irritations a wonderful opportunity to complain and spread the negativity.  I should be viewing them as opportunities to, at the very least, share perspective (humility) and make clear just how small the small things are.