Some perspective

Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore, we must be saved by hope. ... Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love. No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as it is from our standpoint. Therefore, we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness 

- Reinhold Neibuhr

Those pesky Promises

Anybody who knows me in AA knows how I feel about what has become known in AA circles as "The Promises". Those often quoted lines on pages 83 and 84 that are such a staple and a favorite of so many people in the fellowship. They know... I hate 'em.

Okay, maybe I don't hate them. As a matter of fact, I love many thing about them. What I hate is what they have come to represent and how they are misunderstood.

Spiritual Materialism

In my last post I called using the AA program as a way to feel good a form of 'spiritual materialism' (also known as 'spiritual narcissim').  As I understand it, spiritual materialism (a term coined by the Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche) involves ego inflation rather than the AA goal of 'ego deflation in depth'.  We inflate our egos when we use our program as a source of temporary pleasure, as a tool for feeling good, rather than as a tool for changing ourselves in a fundamental way, surrendering to our higher power and facing reality.

Are these extravagant promises? (part of a series)

The following is part of a series Dave and I are doing on the Promises. (See Contingent Promises, Learning to Play, and Love for an earlier post.)

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.  
Are these extravagant promises?

Well, as I often hear them interpreted in meetings, yeah, they are extravagant.

God's joy, music, and foreclosures

I am a string in the concert of God's joy.
- Jacob Boehme
I love this quote.  I cannot define what I am refering to when I use the term "God".  For me it is shorthand for the ultimate flowing core energy of being, something that contains all of reality including me, but that's a pretty vague statement.  Whatever it is, I think its defining characteristics are love and joy, and both of those characteristics involve relationship, interaction between all the elements of reality.

Another side of One Day at a Time

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. ~ Annie Dillard

Your mind tricks you into believing tomorrow is a reality, thereby giving you permission to waste today.

I spent yesterday reading a light novel -- nothing great, just an enjoyable read.  Now, there was nothing wrong with that.  In fact, I was more comfortably 'in the moment' than I had been for several days.  Relaxation is good, but, being an alcoholic, I nonetheless felt a bit guilty.  That got me thinking about relaxation vs. wasting time (aka sloth).  I don't really know any rules for telling the difference, but like the classic rule on pornography, I know it when I see it.  The fact is that, while yesterday was a very good day, I do waste - kill - too much time and that is something I have to pay attention to.

This is a side of living 'one day at a time' that I too often forget.  I am responsible for how I live every day and killing time is a felony.

Don't Keep Score

What I am saying is this: the score is not what matters. Life does not have to be regarded as a game in which scores are kept and somebody wins. If you are too intent on winning, you will never enjoy playing. If you are too obsessed with success, you will forget to live. If you have learned only how to be a success, your life has probably been wasted.

Thomas Merton. Love and Living. (New York: Harcourt) p. 12

Go with Your Strengths but Balance Them

The other night a few people from my homegroup went on a commitment. When it was my turn to speak I found myself talking about how I worked my program immediately after I got sober.  For years I had pursued a number of 'get-sane-quick' schemes centering around things like meditation and spiritual reading.  Now, there's nothing wrong with meditation or spiritual reading; what made them get-sane-quick schemes was the way I was trying to use them to feel better about my life without really changing anything -- like stopping drinking, for example.  When you have a glass of vodka before every meditation session just to make sure you're nice and mellow you have a strong clue that there's a problem somewhere.

How to Dismantle Your Program, or The Yellow Brick Road to Hell

In my last post I talked about a friend who was sober for 12 years, systematically dismantled her program, went out for 11 years and has been back for 2+ years. (The lady in question will please note the corrected numbers.) I described how she stopped coming to meetings: First missing a meeting was unavoidable, then it was acceptable, then it seemed like a good idea.

She has since reminded me of the other steps in the process, so, if you're interested in wrecking your life, here's a good how-to:

Getting out of the groove

A series of accidents has led me to miss a lot of my home group 6 AM meetings over the last few weeks.  Weather, car trouble, getting blocked in by neighbors  -- just a whole series of frustrating little things that have added up to an average of only 2 meetings a week for the last 3 weeks rather than my usual 6 per week.  Now, in the last 2 days, I have overslept once and misread my clock once, missing 2 meetings I could easily have made.  I've kept up with other aspects of my program, especially emphasizing the 11th Step, but I can feel the unraveling. 

This leads me to think about just how frighteningly easy it is to get out of the groove.  One of the members of my home group went out after 12 years and in the 3 years she's been back has given a lot of thought to how it happened.  She likes to describe how she systematically dismantled her program, beginning with meetings.  First missing a meeting was unavoidable, then it was acceptable, then it seemed like a good idea.  Then she drank and was out for 7 years.

Now that is scary.  I have got to make a phone call or 2 today and get to tomorrow's meeting.  And, if I see that woman, thank her again for scaring me.