Why do we get sober?

For the last little while I've been thinking about the AA slogan "You can't get sober for someone else - you have to do it for yourself" and, well, I'm not sure it's all that simple.

My bottom came when I collapsed with alcohol induced heart failure and was expected not to make it.  I certainly felt that if I let go I would die and, in fact, I thought that was a pretty good idea.  Primarily I thought my wife would be better off with a second husband.  The thought then occurred to me that I could become that second husband and if I did I could make a lot up to her, so I decided to fight to recover.  The next day my wife and I agreed to launch a project we still call "Brian 2.0".  So, I can certainly say (as I usually do when I tell my story) that I started my recovery for someone else.  For myself I was pretty content with the thought of dying.  If I had decided on the basis of living for myself I would have just let go.

Now I know a lot of people who started for themselves, usually saying they just wanted the pain to stop.  "Sick and tired of being sick and tired."  Yet as they grow in recovery they talk about living for others.

I think we learn that to live for ourselves we have to live for others and in order to live for others we have to learn to care for and about ourselves, sort of to do unto ourselves as we would do unto others.  If we're going to love people, the cosmos, God.... we have to love all people, the entire cosmos, all of God and his/her universe and I guess, uncomfortable as saying it makes me, that means we have to love ourselves.  However, the crucial point is that self-love is not the goal, it is just a small but essential part of our spirituality.

So, the reason we decide to get sober, to enter recovery, is generally not the reason we continue on the spiritual path.  We may start for ourselves and grow to live for something greater, we may start for one person and grow to live for all.  Whatever direction it takes, it is a process of growth.

Believe it!

We are incredible beings.
We live in incredible times.
That is not the issue.
The issue is whether or not we actually believe it.
-Hugh Macleod

In my last post I spoke of "the realization that while individual things might really stink and bad things can and will happen, the world remains a beautiful place"  and I attributed that realization to Faith.  Then I ran across this quote from cartoonist Hugh Macleod and I began once again to think about Humility.  I don't want to get into a chicken-and-egg thing here, but it seems to me that the most important virtues, Faith, Hope, Love and Humility, are deeply intertwined.  I know that the usual lineup is Faith, Hope and Love, but I wonder if any of them is possible without Humility.

Faith is taking the first step...

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
-- Martin Luther King

I saw this quote on a poster in a bus I was riding to a job interview yesterday.  Very nice.

Faith was a difficult concept for me for a very long time.  I was stuck with the concept I had been taught by the nuns in my grade school: faith meant believing what they told you no matter how silly it sounded.   Adolescent rebellion took care of that one pretty fast and unfortunately left nothing in its place.  Cynicism was a sign of intelligence.  The smiling guy was probably pretty dumb.  Reality was grim.  And all this was before I read Sartre.  I was stuck in a 'realism' that recognized only the worst aspects of reality.

It was only with sobriety that I came to a concept of Faith that is beautifully expressed in the above quote from Martin Luther King.  It is an acceptance of reality coupled with an openness to the future, whatever it may bring.  You act to affect future events, not control them.  And with that attitude comes the realization that while individual things might really stink and bad things can and will happen, the world remains a beautiful place.

As I said in an earlier post, my job hunt has been a bit wild this week and here I was yesterday, sitting on a bus, preparing to get back onto that roller coaster when I saw that poster.  Very nice.

God's joy, music, and foreclosures

I am a string in the concert of God's joy.
- Jacob Boehme
I love this quote.  I cannot define what I am refering to when I use the term "God".  For me it is shorthand for the ultimate flowing core energy of being, something that contains all of reality including me, but that's a pretty vague statement.  Whatever it is, I think its defining characteristics are love and joy, and both of those characteristics involve relationship, interaction between all the elements of reality.

Don't Keep Score

What I am saying is this: the score is not what matters. Life does not have to be regarded as a game in which scores are kept and somebody wins. If you are too intent on winning, you will never enjoy playing. If you are too obsessed with success, you will forget to live. If you have learned only how to be a success, your life has probably been wasted.

Thomas Merton. Love and Living. (New York: Harcourt) p. 12

It takes a long time

It takes a long time to become young. - Picasso
That is a good summary of my experience in AA.  As I mentioned in my reply to Maggie Lamond Simone, while it is possible to use AA as a sort of post-detox, a way to learn how to 'just don't drink', if a person limits their AA practice to that they are cheating themselves.  Basically, that makes being a dry drunk the goal and, while that's better than being a wet drunk, it still sucks.

Contingent Promises, Learning to Play and Love

We are all familiar with 'the Promises' of AA from pages 83 - 84 of the Big Book:

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Dave, the other principal author of this blog, absolutely hates it when this is read at the beginning of meetings. He points out that it is always taken out of context.

Listening and empathy

According to an article recently published in Scientific American (http://goo.gl/QgUn5) "Analysis of some 14,000 college student surveys over the last three decades finds that self-reported levels of empathy for others have decreased."  Fully 75% of college students scored themselves lower in empathy than students of 30 years ago.  
According to the article, "one possible explanation is social isolation—we tend to do more things on our own and engage in fewer group activities than we used to. Another possible cause is a decrease in reading fiction for pleasure. Studies have found that the number of stories preschoolers read correlates with their ability to understand other people’s emotional states."
Which brings me to one of the great benefits of meetings - especially speaker meetings.  Hearing other alcoholics stories and following the rule of 'identify, don't compare' helps us learn to feel how others feel.  This opens us up to ending our alcoholic isolation and learning to love.  It is yet another example of AA swimming against some of the negative currents in today's world.
Very nice.

I am not my ego but my ego thinks it's me

One of the gifts of the 11th Step is a gradual (at least for me) realization that I am not my thoughts, emotions, character defects, character assets, in short, all those things that constitutes what I normally refer to as my self.

This bundle of naughty and nice makes up what Thomas Keating calls the 'false self', constructed through our confusing happiness with the gratification of the instincts of the child: security, power/control, affection/esteem, and approval.  The false self promises happiness but leads us to a necessarily unfulfilled life, in my case one where I was constantly slightly pissed off at the world and every bit as fun to be around as that implies.  But meditation shows me, in a very real, direct way, that while I have these characteristics they are not what I am.

Meetings are good; the 11th Step is essential

Last night an AA I recently met told me that he tried to stop drinking for 23 years.  All that time he came to AA meetings and followed the advice he kept getting: "Just don't drink and come to meetings."  He kept pointing out to people that this wasn't exactly working for him and the reply was pretty much always "keep coming back."  Finally someone suggested that he try working the Steps.  For 23 years the only tool he was offered was meetings.  Using the Steps he has now been sober for 5 years.

Happiness and Joy

We talk a lot in meetings about both happiness and joy, but we often fail to distinguish the two.  I hear a lot of people telling their stories saying things like "I could never be happy but now, in AA, I am."  I can understand not being able to experience much, if any happiness while drinking, especially in the later stages of alcoholism.  But being happy, while certainly not a bad thing, is not the point.  Happiness is bestowed by the world and like other things bestowed by the world (power, wealth, popularity...) it is transitory.  Circumstances can give it and circumstances can take it away.

Acceptance and Love

I'm reading Kevin Griffin's A Burning Desire: Dharma God and the Path of Recovery.  He refers to acceptance as nonresistance to truth, and as such an aspect of love.
Now, let's get clear from the start:  acceptance is not approval.

Fellowship

This morning at my home group we had a discussion about the Fellowship.  It was good to be reminded of what a special thing an AA group is.  People who have never felt a part of anything feel accepted.  People who are afraid of just about everything in life feel safe.  People feel comfortable talking about things they would virtually never discuss elsewhere.  People know they have somewhere to go for help, that every person in that room wants what is best for them.  It's amazing how you can bump into a fellow AA, someone you've maybe had a few chats with, sit down for a cup of coffee and very quickly begin talking about what is really happening in your lives, what you are happy about, what you are afraid of, and all at a level of reality you almost never reach with non-alcoholics.

It is just plain nice.

Why all this 'practical polytheism', gods/Higher Powers vs idols/Lower Powers stuff?

If you have read any of my recent postings, you've seen that I have been making a lot of use of the idea that people are 'practical polytheists', worshiping multiple gods or Higher Powers and idols or Lower Powers. Among the Higher Powers people worship are God, community, justice, love... and among the Lower Powers/idols one could find money, power, praise, possessions.... Why do I find this approach useful, rather than just sticking with virtues and vices or character assets and character defects?

Love and the Fourth Step

There is a fascinating article, The Rigor of Love, by Simon Critchley in the August 9 New York Times. The essay is about the question of whether non-believers in a transcendent God can have faith. I will probably deal with his central concern in a later post but for today I'd like to think about one of the stepping stones he uses to get to his conclusion: Soren Kierkegaard's (Danish philosopher, 1813 - 1855) concept of Christian Love.