"The whole spiritual journey might be summed up as humble hope." Thomas Keating

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Worry is a form of control



Someone made this comment at my home group the other day and I think it's an interesting insight.  When I think of control I tend to think of the types of control that (sort of) work: nagging, micromanagement, manipulation, bullying, etc.  I rarely think of the little bits of witchcraft I use to try to influence events, like making endless to-do lists when I'm overwhelmed with tasks or buying a new tool when I'm not sure I'll be able to handle a task.

Worrying just might be my favorite form of witchcraft.  I have a problem, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now, so I obsessively worry about it.  That way I keep hold of the problem so it can't do anything while I'm not looking.  Now, that's productive, isn't it?

Recognizing these little magic spells for what they are is the first step toward my letting go of them and living a more peaceful life.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Carrying the message

Recently an old friend of mine reached out for help, he was trying to stop drinking and wanted to attend an AA meeting. This brings the count of people that I grew up and drank with who have at least attempted sobriety, into the double digits.

There was a point in time where I was very concerned that my friends would look upon me as weak-willed for joining AA and getting sober. I tried very hard to keep my anonymity protected for fear of judgment. However, rumors being what they are, word got out there pretty quickly anyway. The list of friends who were willing to talk to me dropped off precipitously during my first year of sobriety. At the time I was so scared of drinking I just dealt with it by doing step work and complaining to my sponsor, but I stayed the path of sobriety.

After a year or two the feelings of shame and loneliness began to lift and I was more open with my friends about what I had done. Some seemed genuinely happy for me, some were still cool to the idea. I never pushed my beliefs on anyone, and said thing like "I have nothing against drinking, I just can't do it anymore."

Then came the day when I started getting requests for help from the very people who had distanced themselves from me. It seemed I had been living a life that showed them that AA worked, and that I had changed. There was a life after alcohol.

As far as I am concerned, this form of "carrying the message" was something I never planned, or even knew I was doing. It has also been the most fulfilling. To be of service to old friends like this can not be measured in words. I am truly blessed to be of service.

Of course, it also says that I hung out with a lot of drunks... but there you have it.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Life doesn't have to be justified

Life doesn't have to be justified.  It is the justification.
I was up for a job a couple of weeks ago that required knowledge of HTML, the language used to lay out information on web sites.  Since my knowledge of HTML could only optimistically be called rusty, I started giving myself a crash course in it and was surprised at just how much fun I was having.  Shortly after I started playing with HTML I was told that I would not get the job.

Believe it!

We are incredible beings.
We live in incredible times.
That is not the issue.
The issue is whether or not we actually believe it.
-Hugh Macleod
In my last post I spoke of "the realization that while individual things might really stink and bad things can and will happen, the world remains a beautiful place"  and I attributed that realization to Faith.  Then I ran across this quote from cartoonist Hugh Macleod and I began once again to think about Humility.  I don't want to get into a chicken-and-egg thing here, but it seems to me that the most important virtues, Faith, Hope, Love and Humility, are deeply intertwined.  I know that the usual lineup is Faith, Hope and Love, but I wonder if any of them is possible without Humility.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Faith is taking the first step...

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
-- Martin Luther King
I saw this quote on a poster in a bus I was riding to a job interview yesterday.  Very nice.

Faith was a difficult concept for me for a very long time.  I was stuck with the concept I had been taught by the nuns in my grade school: faith meant believing what they told you no matter how silly it sounded.   Adolescent rebellion took care of that one pretty fast and unfortunately left nothing in its place.  Cynicism was a sign of intelligence.  The smiling guy was probably pretty dumb.  Reality was grim.  And all this was before I read Sartre.  I was stuck in a 'realism' that recognized only the worst aspects of reality.

It was only with sobriety that I came to a concept of Faith that is beautifully expressed in the above quote from Martin Luther King.  It is an acceptance of reality coupled with an openness to the future, whatever it may bring.  You act to affect future events, not control them.  And with that attitude comes the realization that while individual things might really stink and bad things can and will happen, the world remains a beautiful place.

As I said in an earlier post, my job hunt has been a bit wild this week and here I was yesterday, sitting on a bus, preparing to get back onto that roller coaster when I saw that poster.  Very nice.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Miracle

"Don't leave before the miracle happens!" It's a saying we tell newcomers, but what do we mean by it? And for that matter, do we all mean the same thing when we say it?

For those of you who know me, or have read any of my previous posts, know that I am not a huge fan of platitudes, slogans and sayings. It's not because they aren't useful or meaningful for people, it's just that, in my experience I have seen too many many members use them as a short-cuts to working through an issue, or in order to provide an answers to something they are unsure about.

I know early on when I heard people say "Don't leave before the miracle happens!" I had no idea what the miracle was, but I assumed it was some magic point where all of this stuff would make sense and I would know how to 'not drink' anymore. The thing was that as time went on no one ever described to me what the miracle was! And, like most newcomers, I was too shy to ask because I didn't want to look like an idiot.

As time passed I did what I usually do with things I don't really understand, I ignored it. Then one day while reading the Big Book I came across the following lines in Step 10:

Monday, March 7, 2011

Die Trying

I generally hate the word "try".  To me it smacks of an attitude of 'well, I'll give it a shot, but I'm not likely to make it.'  I guess part of the problem is that most of the time when I say "I'll try" rather than "I'll do it" I'm giving myself a way out.  "Well, I only said I'd try!"

However, today I was told that I will not get a job I've been working on landing for the last 6 months.  The blow was made worse by the very positive tone of my conversation last Thursday with the hiring manager.  Frankly, I feel awful.  Hope isn't exactly spontaneously bubbling up. I mean, let's face it, you don't see a lot of want ads recruiting alcoholic, arthritic 59 year-olds with a heart condition who have been unemployed for over a year.

Tonight I feel differently about the word "try".  I guess I'm seeing it more the way (I think) others do - not as a hedging of my intentions but rather as a simple recognition that the possibility of failure is always lurking out there.  And yet, despite the threat or even the reality of failure, I have to push forward.  Somehow "I'll try" sounds like a cop out to me while "I'll die trying" sounds like a expression of hope and tenacity.  So, I guess I'm resolving to die trying.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Good thought

Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
C.S. Lewis