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As I have mentioned here before, I was laid off at the beginning of this year and, given my age and specialization, that pretty much means the end of my career in textbook publishing. After I got sober 10 years ago I was actually in a similar situation and ended up starting my own business selling fine art photography at art fairs. In 2008 I made some bad business decisions in an unforgiving climate (it's hard to sell people things to put on their walls when they're not sure they're going to have walls). As a result I ended up back in publishing for a few years, ending in this layoff.
Now, the obvious strategies to pursue are either to apply my skills in another industry or start up another business. I've been trying the first but I am in an field (educational technology) that, like all technical fields, is rampant with ageism. That's not a gripe, just a fact I have to deal with. So, why haven't I started some new variation on my previous business, a business that is tremendous fun, uses many of my skills, and actually adds a little beauty to people's lives? My theory has been that I am frozen in my tracks by fear of failure. I still think that is true as far as it goes.
This morning, though, I read a description of the traditional Christian view of the deadly sin of Sloth.
Now, I have always taken Sloth to be pretty self-explanatory. It means being just plain lazy for the joy of laziness. It seems that for classic Christian writers like Aquinas and Cassian, Sloth is not just the desire to kick back and watch something dumb on TV rather than clean the bathroom. For them, the reason we become lazy is a lack of Gratitude, a refusal to recognize and accept the gifts poured on us. When we don't recognize the gifts we have been granted we feel worthless and useless. We are convinced nothing we can do will be of any use anyway, so why bother? In Sloth we are like spoiled kids at Christmas, not satisfied with our presents, refusing play with them, and sitting around sulking and bored.
This description of Sloth brought a shock of recognition. What lies behind fear of failure but a lack of faith and a lack of acknowledgement of the talents and resources I have been given? In other words, my Sloth is an expression of my lack of Gratitude. Boredom, Sloth's favorite playmate, is, in the words of Joseph Tetlow, "the weight of unused abilities." Again, lack of recognition of and Gratitude for what I have been given.
Even workaholism, a malady I have suffered from many times in my career, finds its roots in Sloth. When I am ungrateful for God's gifts and feel worthless I have to somehow prove to myself that I have some value. In our culture the best way to do that is to work your butt off. Ironically, that is Sloth.
It's pretty mind-bending, but I think that the main impediment to my starting a new business is lack of Gratitude. Go figure.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
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It's true that whenever we are disturbed, there is something wrong with us... even if we are the one disturbing ourselves. Of course it does help to have this kind of insight to recognize a piece of what that may be. But like you Brian ( and, it seems, every other alcoholic) self-knowledge is not enough. I know the nature of many of my wrongs as well, I just haven't made that big 3rd Step decision to do something different about it. Let alone follow it up with action.
ReplyDeleteTrue, Dave. The real point of an analysis like this is to find things that need to be worked on. If I stop at just finding these things I'm screwed. In fact, just identifying the spiritual areas I need to work on could make things worse. I, for one, could easily fall into funk about how I'm not grateful enough, so I'm a jerk, worthless, nothing I do will matter... It's kind of cool, actually, that I'm twisted enough that just identifying Sloth as a problem could lead to Sloth.
ReplyDeleteIt is indeed a program of action. I'm just trying to find the critical points to work on rather than flailing about. So, starting yesterday my daily meditations have been focusing on Gratitude. Small step, but a step. And, of course, having identified a major blockage,I am racing glacier-like toward planning a new business.