I am not my ego but my ego thinks it's me

One of the gifts of the 11th Step is a gradual (at least for me) realization that I am not my thoughts, emotions, character defects, character assets, in short, all those things that constitutes what I normally refer to as my self.

This bundle of naughty and nice makes up what Thomas Keating calls the 'false self', constructed through our confusing happiness with the gratification of the instincts of the child: security, power/control, affection/esteem, and approval.  The false self promises happiness but leads us to a necessarily unfulfilled life, in my case one where I was constantly slightly pissed off at the world and every bit as fun to be around as that implies.  But meditation shows me, in a very real, direct way, that while I have these characteristics they are not what I am.



Seeing and feeling that is an essential step toward dealing with those aspects of my character.  In some cases I would like to eliminate them, just surgically cut them out of myself and throw them away.  However, I'm not sure that is really possible.  My false self is there, it is a part of me just as my true self, the self that seeks to unite in love with all that is, is also a part of me.  I don't think I can or should even try to kill my false self.  I think the best I can do is refuse to engage in the various projects my false self builds for me.  I like to think of this as laughing at my false self, which is a fun notion since my false self does not want me to laugh, and dancing with my false self, which is also fun because my false self definitely does not want me to dance.

Dealing with the false self in this way moves me from the 11th Step into to 12th.  I cannot laugh at or dance with my false self in theory, in my head.  The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it.  And in living it, in recognizing yet refusing to engage in my false self's projects, I am carrying the message and I am contributing to the world.  Keating makes the point that societies which are made up of a bunch of false selves are not going to do too well. So, he suggests, the most radical gift we can give to society is to be intentional about not contributing to the messiness of the world by adding our own false-self projects to it. And, he says, if enough people do this then society will be transformed.

I can't really think in terms of transforming society.  That is very much one of my false self's projects.  However, I can try to laugh, dance, limit the damage I do and perhaps spread a little joy.  That would be nice.