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Every Thursday my home group discusses a reading from As Bill Sees It. This week we read "Boomerang" on page 185, where Bill describes how after his grandfather told him no-one but Australian Bushmen knew how to make and throw boomerangs he resolved to be the first American to do it. He worked at it for 6 months and finally succeeded.
What strikes me about the story is that Bill had no real interest in boomerangs, only in the attention and glory that would result from making and throwing one.
That spoke to me. I'm not sure how many projects in my life I have begun purely to gain approval but I'm certain they are there to be found. Sounds like a good Fourth Step project, actually.
I am sure that I pretty much always have to fight the temptation to 'adjust' projects I've taken on out of genuine interest so that they will gain the approval of others. Entries in this blog are a good example, actually. I get a great deal out of thinking through various issues in recovery and spiritual growth by writing about them here. As I'm editing them before posting, though, I have to resist the temptation to make them less reflective of me and more like what is usually heard and accepted at meetings. Mention Kierkegaard? Thomas Merton? Talk about humility in philosophical and theological terms? Posting things here scares the crap out of me.
Clearly, I have to keep working at this character defect and stop trying to act for the approval of others. That is vainglory. I have to continue to try to consistently do what I feel I am called on to do, what helps me grow and ultimately brings me joy. I like Thomas Edison's comment "I never did a day's work in my life. It was all fun." That's the way to go.
What strikes me about the story is that Bill had no real interest in boomerangs, only in the attention and glory that would result from making and throwing one.
That spoke to me. I'm not sure how many projects in my life I have begun purely to gain approval but I'm certain they are there to be found. Sounds like a good Fourth Step project, actually.
I am sure that I pretty much always have to fight the temptation to 'adjust' projects I've taken on out of genuine interest so that they will gain the approval of others. Entries in this blog are a good example, actually. I get a great deal out of thinking through various issues in recovery and spiritual growth by writing about them here. As I'm editing them before posting, though, I have to resist the temptation to make them less reflective of me and more like what is usually heard and accepted at meetings. Mention Kierkegaard? Thomas Merton? Talk about humility in philosophical and theological terms? Posting things here scares the crap out of me.
Clearly, I have to keep working at this character defect and stop trying to act for the approval of others. That is vainglory. I have to continue to try to consistently do what I feel I am called on to do, what helps me grow and ultimately brings me joy. I like Thomas Edison's comment "I never did a day's work in my life. It was all fun." That's the way to go.
I, too, have experienced the fear of posting something that someone may not approve of. I find that the less I worry about it, the more honest and real I can be. I find that the more honest and real I can be, the more people are apt to respond (although, getting a response is not my goal - just a nice bonus.) Even on the internet, it is hard to con a con. Thanks for your post. I think Bill, like a lot of alcoholics, was being defiant in an "I'll show you" kind of way. I tend to operate this way when my ego is in charge. I am grateful for those things that humble me, for they keep me focused on God and less on what other's think.
ReplyDeleteI think it's all about motives. I monitor myself constantly to see where my motives lie.
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ReplyDeleteYup. As a matter of fact, before starting this blog with Brian I had started another one a while ago and found that I had a tendency to hold back when posting stuff that I had a visceral feeling about but knew it would offend some of the readers that were people also knew face to face. People I would therefore have to reckon with in person.
ReplyDeleteIs this me not being true to myself? Caring too much about what others think? Or finally realizing it's not all about me? I suppose that depends of my perspective that day. Would Bill have tirelessly learned how to carve a boomerang if he didn't have the carrot of his grandfather's approval at the end of the day?
Sometimes when I end up with more questions than answers I have some 'fall backs' I rely on. One that would apply here for me is a quote from Dr. Bob:
"Our 12 Steps, when simmered down to the last, resolve themselves into the words love and service. We understand what love is and we understand what service is. So let's bear those two things in mind."
Amen!
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