Check Your Motivations

When I was in early sobriety I went through times, like most people, where I was full of confusion and indecision. I was unsure of about how to act in certain situations, where I could safely go, and which of my old friends I could spend time with without being in danger. I was given a pretty standard prescription from some old timers: "Dave, just check your motivations. You'll know pretty quickly whether or not you should go there." It seemed simple enough to do, except I couldn't quite get the hang of it. After years of Step work I now know why.



First off I had been lying to myself for so long it was difficult for me to tell when I was bullshitting myself, let alone you. (I'll never forget the first time I stopped in mid-conversation and told the person that everything I had just said was a lie. I was ecstatic, they were just confused.) So putting the "honesty" ball back in my court that early in sobriety was not such a great idea.

Next, I now know that asking me to "check my motives" was in fact asking me "manage my own life" again. Which I had just admitted in the 1st Step that I could not longer do.

It was one of those things that gets said in meetings that I never liked, mostly because I couldn't do it. But something about it always stuck in the back of mind. Then one day I was reading the Big Book and a line jumped out at me that explained everything for me. It was during a discussion of the 3rd Step in preparation for the 4th Step. And it says:

p.60 - "The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good."

"even though our motives are good." That was it! The book was telling me what I already knew, that I couldn't trust my own motives anymore. But why?

Well the book spends the next couple of pages defining why… Selfishness and self-centeredness! My motives are often self-centered, and have been for so long that I can no longer see any problem with that. But now I was faced with a decision (Step 3) and that decision will mean that I am now going to use another method to direct my life and make my decisions. This, of course, is the way of life I was going to be get taught how to live in the remaining Steps.

After having done the remaining Steps the book then tells me I can safely check my motives, and how to go about doing that. Now I am going to be able to check them against something! I can check them against everything I learned when I went through the Steps (rather than my own view of how the things should work, like I did before).

p.102 - "But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good."

And I now know that the book is pretty specific on how I know I am on spiritual ground. Am I taking a daily inventory, making amends, and improving my conscious contact as well as trying to help others? If I am doing all of those things I tend to find I have been placed in that "position of neutrality", and can do certain things with some level of confidence that I will be safe from a drink that evening.

p.102 - "Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.

p.85 - "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will."